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And the tears – I couldn’t remember a time before the miscarriage when he had ever cried. I’d felt so guilty about those first tears that I’d caused the second ones.The fact that he thought I didn’t trust him ... that was the worst. Because the truth was the opposite – it was me. I was unworthy, and that was the whole problem. It wasn’t that he was a bad person who would leave me – it was that I deserved to be left. He should have wanted to leave, and that made it possible to believe that maybe, just maybe, he did.I closed my eyes, exhausted, and the image of my husband’s tear-streaked face played on the back of my eyelids. It was so real, so heart-wrenching, that I sighed and opened my eyes again. Even my own imagination was giving me shit for being such a jerk. Because he didn’t look as devastated in my head as he did ... offended. Offended that I thought he would leave me, that his love wasn’t as real as mine?I shook my head. It was a perfectly valid assumption, really. He was. "No thanks, I think I want to spend my last hours hungry," I said."I don't think anyone is coming. I expect it is just more B.S. from the government," The Brit said."Well it won't be too long before we know," I said."Yeah, we will know soon. How about we get to the top of the wall and shoot down on the demonstrators." The Brit suggested."If we do that, they are going to swear they were just walking by and we fired on them. You know how these guys twist thing around. When they get through we will have went to their houses and forced them to come to the compound for us to shoot." I suggested."You are right the Russians will be coaching them on how to create an international incident." The Brit suggested. "It's a shame we have to worry about how things look as well as staying alive." Oh I agree, There is one thing we can do though," I suggested."What's that," Kurt asked."We can make some foo gas booby traps," I suggested. We all agreed that foo gas bombs might well be the difference in.
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